midnightstar | Shionne and Alphen in Menancia

They've all come a long way since Calaglia, both in terms of distance and... other things. Things Shionne was forcing herself not to acknowledge. Because what would the point be to acknowledge those thoughts when she couldn't act on them - when at the end of this journey, she had no future? Ah... but that was something she hadn't - couldn't - tell the others, who she's begun thinking of as more than just 'tools'.

Particularly Alphen.

It was the hardest to think of him when she knew how much she was keeping from him. Much to her frustration, however, the group had decided to take a break for a little while since Shionne's pace had been pushing the others quite a lot - and they did just gain two new companions. Shionne was avoiding them as much as possible, deciding to go for a walk through the city almost...baffled by how accepting the Dahnans and Renans were.

It was ... nice. But it felt so alien to her, at the same time.

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Honestly without the helmet covering half of his face, his field of view had improved considerably to the point that if he had not been in an immense amount of emotional distress over Shionne, he would have needed longer to get used to it. Right now though that didn't matter at all. He was a little surprised how much he had needed to see her. Only now that he finally stood before her did it hit him. The extent to which he had needed to find her and he had to kick himself for taking so long to do it.

"I just... Aaah it's been so long and I have so many things I want to say." Alphen sighed as he decided to step up closer now that they were actually talking. He certainly missed the closeness he could have had if the helmet had not shattered fully.

"How...are you feeling feels like a stupid question now when I can see you with my own eyes."

Oh. So he intended to tell her outright.. she could appreciate that. She had suspected it would come to this anyway. Though at the same time, she didn't want to hear those words from him - she'd heard it from so many already. When he started towards her, she internally shoved aside that selfish, greedy wish to move closer to him as well, and forced herself to step back, holding up a hand to warn him from coming nearer to her.

"You don't have to say anything." She said instead, firmly, almost pointedly keeping the requisite distance between them so it didn't trigger her thorns. "I..." She wanted to be sure he was okay herself. Seeing him in person, it just made things harder, it made her want to be close to him again. She took a breath, "I'm fine.. thank you. Thanks to you and everyone." She glanced at him again, hesitantly. "What about you..?" And the others of course.

Even without the metaphorical research log he kept on Shionne and her quirk close to his heart and mind, ALphen could see the signs in her eyes and cornered body language. He felt...upset. With himself mostly but also with her for being so willing to go back to that lonely darkness.

"To be quite frank. Not the greatest. I talked a big game and failed to uphold so much of it. To that end I have to say I am sorry. That moment when I let go...There wasn't a day where I didn't regret it. I still do." He said gritting his teeth to keep those more ardent emotions in check for now. Because he HAD to get through to her. He would accept nothing less.

She hesitated a moment, almost confused. This was clearly not the conversation she was expecting. "You .. you don't have to apologize for that." She lowered her hand and crossed her arms awkwardly, "I've told you time and again, didn't I? You're only hurting yourself ..you felt the same pain everyone else has. It's only natural that you would have let go." She paused again, "..I don't want to be the cause of you feeling pain again." To herself, she added, "Or anyone else." But particularly -him-.

He immediately shook his head. No he knew the slippery slope Shionne was heading into. So he was not going to give her the chance. He gritted his teeth and moved up closer until he got right up in front of Shionne and gave her forhead the quickest of flicks. He didn't cry out when the thorns retaliated. Instead he grit his teeth and bore that brief spike of pain. Compared to when she was consumed by the will behind those thorns, that pain was nothing. When compared to the pain he felt when he failed her, it was even less than nothing.

"Natural or not, it doesn't change the fact that I hurt you. I failed you. I won't do it again. Besides there's still the whole mission of getting you free of that curse without actually killing you to do it. I have not forgotten and given how things have...escalated, we clearly don't know everything there is to know about this system that's been enforced on this planet and us."

Shionne flinched in surprised, having not expected him to move in so close so quickly - then let out another yelp, not from pain but more surprise at the forehead flick, "Alphen!" Even if it was only a teeny tiny zap from the thorns. She backed away again, "You didn't fail me, you don't........ you don't owe me anything.." Ah-- except that whole mission deal. With the Renas Alma stolen and knowing less than nothing about the situation now... she sighed. How they would manage to avoid her death now, she had no idea. And her nightmares were just getting worse lately. "We don't even know where that woman took the Renas Alma." And if she took it off planet... well it's not like there were any spaceships lying around.

"If you back away like that I'm going to have to grab your wrist and that's going to hurt a lot more." He was going to do it. It's obvious from his voice and the fiery glare in his eyes that he was more than willing to do that to keep her from putting TOO much distance. Was it playing fair? No not really. But he had to play those underhanded moves or else she'd just build those walls right back up and that was the worst case scenario second only to Shionne dying.

"It's not about owing. That's not what this is all about or why I want to help you no matter what." Alphen sighed before going on with her other points.

"We don't know yet. But we'll find out. In one way or another."

Shionne scowled at him, still tensed and not quite backing away again yet. Though if he did step forward, she planned on moving away again. Still, she was suspicious that he wasn't joking about that 'threat', but still gave him a stubborn reaction. "That's not funny." She huffed, "As long as you stay over -there-." ~~social distancing Alphen!~~ "I won't need to back away." She finished, quieter, as her gaze shifted away from him uneasily. She didn't -like- staying away from him, but she'd feel far more guilty over him being hurt. Granted she was guilty before too, but he never felt the pain. "..I hope that's true." They had a lot of people with an ear out, right? Surely someone must know - something.

"Good. Since I'm not joking about it." Well he certainly had grown more...assertive and blunt than he had already been. It seemed getting more of his memories back had given him more confidence and determination. For someone who had fostered so much of it already.

"It is. We'll find a way forward. We just need to figure out the destination."

That.. that actually caught her off guard. She hadn't been taken away from him that long - although he'd always been a LITTLE assertive, that bluntness was a bit more new. She fell silent a moment, wondering what he must have been thinking in that time to change so. She started to speak, paused and changed her mind on what she had been about to say. "... Is that everything?" He checked on her so there was no real reason for him to stick around right?

... not that that was what she really wanted to say, or do. Every minute Vholran had her she had clung to the memory and thought of Alphen, everything he said and the time they spent together. And Vholran kept using that to point out how she wouldn't have that when she met with him again.

And yet... the one thing she wanted to do most of all was hold him. Except that would cause him pain. Which she didn't want. She just had to ..stand firm. Who's stubbornness would give out first though?

Oh. Oh so that's what she was trying to do next? Alphen felt his blood boil faintly and instead he pointed at the window again. He wished he could just grab her again like he used to in the past but just because he could not touch her,.Alphen wasn't going to keep his distance more than he absolutely had to.

"Sit. We need to talk properly."

He was definitely not making this easy on her. Arms still folded, she glanced from him over towards the sofa by the window, then back at him. Fine. He had more to tell her she supposed. She closed her eyes briefly, then let out a sharp exhale. "Fine." She turned and paced over to sit on the couch, watching him warily. "What do we possibly need to talk about?" She.might be a touch worried about the topic given how stubborn he could be though.

"Plenty though it seems I need to be the one to take that first step." Alphen answered with a sigh as he sat down next to her so they could look out in to the city that had there been any other circumstances, he would have maybe found to be quite majestic and beautiful instead of the grim reminder of what the people living here were put through.

"I don't want things to change between us." Then he went and dropped that bombshell as the first topic of business so to speak.

She quickly, instinctively moved to scoot to the furthest side of the couch before her thorns could reflexively trigger with him being close to her. If she managed to move before he could that is. And then what he said processed, which brought another moment's pause, before she focused her attention onto the window, "There is no..."

... she couldn't even bring herself to say it. It'd be a lie. Maybe when they first started out, it'd be obvious, but now? There had been something she refused to put word to slowly squeezing in between the cracks of her defenses and now it was rooted in so deeply she couldn't pry it free even if she wanted to. There was...definitely something between them.

"...nothing has changed." She said quietly. They're still teammates, traveling together, their goal was the same. The only difference.. well ...physically that was the biggest difference, but he had to understand why that.. just wasn't possible, right? He knew what would happen.

Yes he knew what would happen. But he also knew that he didn't want that to stop him. Yes he might have trouble touching her properly now. But he did not want to put more distance between himself and Shionne than he absolutely had to. The fact that he had wasted so much time away from her after finally getting her back was something he was going to kick himself for for a long time to come. Because it had obviously done quite a fair bit of damage to the progress he'd been making with her.

"No quite a bit has changed. But there are some things that haven't. Like me wanting to be close to you."

She fixed her gaze on her hands. She wanted to be close to him too, honestly. That hug that had caught her off guard, but it made her want to feel him closer. Even now she wanted to hold him - but knowing she was going to hurt him made her hesitant. "That's.. you know that isn't possible. You know what will happen." She'll hurt him like she hurts everyone else.

"Yet I still did it to bring you back and I'd do it again a thousand times over if given the choice." Alphen pointed out and despite the faint sadness in his smile, there was no lie, no deceit in his expression, The yearning he felt to be close to Shionne was still very much there if not even stronger after losing her once already.

"Besides that's only the case as long as you still have your curse. Remember getting that cleared up is still one of my main goals in this."

She hated to see that sadness in his expression, and hated it more when she knew she was the cause of it. "That's.." She hesitated - it was probably a long way off, and she still might not survive. But she wouldn't bring that up to him. "Even if that's the case..you still can't-" She half raised a hand, "We still can't touch each other." Even if she wanted to - she had to resist the urge to reach out to him just sitting opposite him. "There's no telling how long it would take to break my curse..without killing me."

Except she wasn't the source of that sadness in the way she thought. Regardless insisting on that point would be a waste of time and energy so instead he worked on reinforcing that belief he held.

"I don't care how long it takes. It won't change how I feel." Alphen insisted and drifted a little closer within the boundaries of them not quite touching. Still she could absolutely feel his warmth and the desire to be with her. Even like this just being close to one another.

Unconsciously she leaned towards him, a selfish response to his own desire to be closer to her. She wanted to be close to him so much it hurt, and Alphen's words were -so- genuine she couldn't ignore it. "I don't want to hurt you," she moved her hand slightly closer - just enough that she had to stop when the thorns crackled almost a warning when it got too close. "I don't want to hurt anyone I care about, but you, more than anyone else.. I couldn't bear it if I was the reason you got hurt." Even if she selfishly wanted to touch him.

"I know you don't want to hurt me. But you also can't see I want the same for you. Shionne...I'll never be able to forget that look in your eyes when I pulled away from you that day..." It would be a wound in his heart for a long time to come. Because he never wanted to see Shionne like that ever again. As far as he was concerned, she deserved the world and then some for how unfair of a hand she had been dealt until now. Especially given that nature of hers that she tried to keep hidden away. The one that cared for others more than she let on due to the same fear of getting close to anyone else.

Ah... so he saw that. That moment she was horrified to have hurt him, crushed at the realization that the one person she could touch could no longer be close to her. That was all the opening Vholran needed to remind her she would always be alone. "Alphen..." She sighed softly, "...you weren't meant to see.. I thought.. you wouldn't have noticed. But that's.. that's what I mean. I wanted to be able to be close to you - but now... It's not fair to you." And seeing him upset like this just made her want to try and reassure him somehow.

Alphen let out a sigh again. This time a faint hind of fond exasperation filtering into his voice as he looked back at Shionne.

"Not fair to either of us. Your pain is no less important or hurtful than my own you know. You might not suffer the same backlash from touching someone physically but I have seen how much it hurts your heart. That you tried to put up a tough exterior that said you don't need anyone near you." Alphen was gradually recovering from that power drain and he was not going to hesitate in doing everything in his power to make sure Shionne had no doubt he would still be there for her regardless of where the journey took them.

"..." He's watched her far too closely, it seems! Shionne did seem a bit surprised by that, "That... how could you have noticed that...?" She thought she hid it so well behind that prickly facade. Frankly it still amazed her he stayed with her, and was willing to help her so much, when she gave him such a hard time at the beginning of their journey. Even now, to a different degree.

She gave a soft laugh, ".. you ..you always do this. You see right through me, even when I try convincing myself that I'm always going to be alone. When everything says I'll have no one, you're always there to tell me otherwise.."

She hadn't noticed that he had eyes only for her for most things. Always checking on her. Checking on her mood. Checking on her injuries. Just watching her sometimes when he had a moment of peace and calm.

"I always will be. Even if the whole world turned against you." He vowed, his smile brightening up a little more. He would not allow Shionne to be alone. Not as long as he drew breath.