midnightstar | Shionne and Alphen in Menancia

They've all come a long way since Calaglia, both in terms of distance and... other things. Things Shionne was forcing herself not to acknowledge. Because what would the point be to acknowledge those thoughts when she couldn't act on them - when at the end of this journey, she had no future? Ah... but that was something she hadn't - couldn't - tell the others, who she's begun thinking of as more than just 'tools'.

Particularly Alphen.

It was the hardest to think of him when she knew how much she was keeping from him. Much to her frustration, however, the group had decided to take a break for a little while since Shionne's pace had been pushing the others quite a lot - and they did just gain two new companions. Shionne was avoiding them as much as possible, deciding to go for a walk through the city almost...baffled by how accepting the Dahnans and Renans were.

It was ... nice. But it felt so alien to her, at the same time.

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She doubted he'd still say that if he knew what she was hiding. She was terrified, deep down, that he'd end up leaving with the others and she'd be alone again. And it was because of him and the others -- mostly him of course -- that was making her feel like she didn't -want- to sacrifice herself.

She wanted to tell him so badly, though the words kept getting caught in her throat. "I..." Not another apology this time. Her hand tightened on his - hesitating again. Unconsciously she looked towards the door, half expecting Law or someone to barge in and interrupt them again. No, he wouldn't would he - he was at the library with Rinwell, and Kisara was at the arena. Dohalim was probably meandering around so .. it really was just the two of them right now. "..."

Alphen did not rush Shionne. AS for the others his wishes for them was the very opposite of her hopes. After getting interrupted once he did not want a repeat of that. Not when it felt he was getting a little closer to his companion than before.

"...if... we ended up going our separate ways in the end.." She ventured slowly, her thumb unconsciously rubbing against his hand, little crackles of energy going off now and then. "..would you miss me..?"

That was a peculiar question. But an easy one for him nonetheless. Because it was already obvious to him. "Of course I would. I'd even try to get good enough to write letters to you all the time."

... she wished she'd be able to read those letters and write back. "... would you remember me, even if .. I never wrote back?" Because.. y'know.. Dead people don't write letters. She shouldn't be asking these questions - she both did and didn't want to know the answers to them. It left an ache in her heart that just wouldn't go away.

His brows furrowed as she kept going down a very dark line of reasoning.

"Of course I would. Shionne, if it wasn't for you, I'd still be a slave who thought the entire world was Calaglia and nothing else. Honestly even if I didn't like spending time with you, I'd never be able to repay you for bringing me out into the world."

And that hurt. Because here she had almost been thinking she would have been better off had she not met him. Sadder, yes. Lonelier, absolutely. But then she wouldn't have that agony and longing either. ".. you wouldn't.. say that if you knew." She half mumbled the words. She knew it wasn't easy to talk with her, but he still kept trying. She should at least. . .

"I would. Shionne no matter what I learn at this point, it won't change the past." To be completely frank it would take A LOT to make him change his thoughts and feelings about Shionne. Because he had seen many sides of her, some she probably never intended to let another person see and that just drew him in even more. Even when the topic was something that he had no knowledge about, just listening to her and watching was fulfilling in of itself.

She caught her breath slightly. How could he be so _sure_ of himself? He didn't even know anything. Everyone else would have left LONG before Alphen would. "How can you say that..? You don't know anything..." She started to let go of his hand, "I've been lying to you.. all of you..!"

Oh. Oops, didn't mean to say that quiet part loud...

His single exposed eye widened before confusion settled in.

"Lied? Lied about what?" It wasn't the hunt for the Lords. He could absolutely guarantee that one. Everything else had mostly played out exactly as she had said. So where was the lie. He could not see one no matter what.

She almost seemed just as surprised as he was, before she pressed her lips together, glancing away for a few minutes. Then a few minutes more, as if she didn't intend to answer. Though before long, she let out a long, defeated sigh, shoulders slumping. "...about me. About the end of our journey.."

"I...am not sure I follow." She had lied about the end of their journey? Why? She didn't have to lie about that so he had a hard time yet again with the simple matter of WHY.

"All those times I said we wouldn't travel together in the end...when I asked if you would remember me.." She curled her hand into a fist, "When we get the final core and can create the Renas Alma..." She was..trying very hard to keep her voice steady at this point, to not think about ..that, but the tears were still threatening to fall, held back just barely.

Alphen had a bad feeling about all of this so he instinctively threw out a compromise of sorts. His hand clasping around hers firmly again as he got her attention.

"It's okay. Whatever it is I Can wait until you can tell me. So lets put that aside for now, aright? I don't...want to see you so troubled over it. I don't want to force you."

The crackles from the thorns as he clasped her hand caused her to glance over at him. She could take that opportunity. He was giving her an out. For the time being.

Only if she didn't tell him now, ..she might not be able to later. Either because she kept delaying it to the last minute or..they'd be interrupted. "No, I ..have to tell you now. Or I never will." She didn't try to pull her hand away again this time though.

She faced him with a slow breath, studying his face for a long moment, resisting the urge to reach out with a free hand. Where did she even begin? HOw did she even say it? She'd.. give him the short version. She didn't think she could handle the longer version.

"Every night I have the same dream. An all consuming darkness that ends the world." She looked down at his hand, "..Like my thorns. ...that's why I need the cores from the other Lords. To create the Renas Alma...I can destroy that darkness and protect..." She paused. "...but as a result, ...I'll die. That's... that's why I said we won't..we can't.." be together. Travel together is what she wants to say, but..

There it was. The final piece of the puzzle. All of a sudden every action she had done since meeting him, made perfect sense. While there was absolutely a feeling of helplessness it was not to an overwhelming extent. Because this world was vast beyond measure. Filled with possibilities as well as dangers. Yet despair could not take hold of him.

"Shionne..." He spoke softly and gave her hand another reassuring squeeze. That initial moment of shock only lasted for a moment before a faint smile tugged his lips.

"I knew it. I knew I was right about you." He chuckled too shortly after before leaning in close.

"It's too early to just give up like that." A fire more blazing than the sword at his back burst in his heart, with a determination more unbreakable than before. Or maybe it was stubbornness. Or perhaps both.

"I refuse to believe we know everything there is to know about the Lords and the Cores and the Renas Alma." Both were concepts that most people would never even touch upon.

Shionne had thought she had resigned herself to that despair, but somehow.. the way Alphen looked at her, the way he spoke with such a fire made her wonder if there really was a way ... she'd been bearing that burden all by herself this entire time. Maybe she should have told them everything from the start. "Alphen..." Also...

He's quite close...

It might just be her imagination but he's coming closer still. Not even thinking about it either so he could hardly be accused of taking advantage of the moment even if he WOULD be the type to do so.

"I'm honestly just happy that it wasn't the fact that you DIDN'T want to go on a journey with us at the end of it all." It would have been such a bitter pill to swallow if that ended up being the actual truth. Instead he did still get a grim answer but not one he believed to be immutable.

.. it had to be her imagination, because he wouldn't intentionally get closer right? Although he did seem to be, maybe she was just misremembering? Even though she..almost seemed like she was leaning in his direction. But nah, why would she?

"That's not it at all," she shook her head, watching him almost entranced, "I do want to, but.. I just thought it wasn't possible.."

"I understand that now." He smiled softly, a gentler curl of his lips. The joy painted over the exposed parts of his face and a hope. Not a flickering ember of it either. Alphen had a new objective now and considering they had only dealt with two lords so far, he believed they still had time to figure things out.

"I think it's too early to give up like that. Especially since we have yet to actually try to find a way."

She paused, staring at him, the way warmth seemed to radiate out of him with just that smile and his one visible eye. She also found it difficult to deny that.. it was still early yet. Maybe they -would- find some other way..

It'd been a long, long time since she felt anything close to hope,..and she was admittedly a little scared to let herself hope for such a thing. But she let herself smile at him, "You.. you might be right." She agreed after a moment, her free hand half lifting.

He really didn't have much basis for his faith but his desire to see Shionne through to the other side of their journey without her dying was just that strong in his heart. Most people would find that stubborness to be peculiar to say the least. Though most would also realize his feelings on the matter were hardly as benign as Alphen might think.

"And I promise I'll be there every step of the way." He nodded and squeezed her hand a little tighter, those words coming out so naturally and effortlessly. Because they were completely true.

He said it so easily she could believe it. SHe felt like she could believe in him...and she hasn't believed in anyone in a long, long time. It even felt like that burden she carried for so long felt lighter.

Her smile warmed more genuine, and without thinking she lifted her free hand towards the unmasked part of his face.

That was far different from touching his hand and yet ALphen found himself rooted in place and not making any move to stop her approaching hand. Just as well that he couldn't feel any pain from said touch or else that might scar SHionne all over again and he would never forgive himself if that happened.

She didn't even know she was doing anything, just staring fondly at him. "You..really are amazing, Alphen." She murmured faintly, as her fingers brushed against his cheek. "You say everything with such conviction I feel like..I can believe in you."